Self <> Family?

Growing up in India in a middle class family, most people do not cultivate an identity around the self — just one as a family member.

There are three things that lead to this:

1. Large nuclear families mean you are always surrounded by people and often share a room with a sibling or a relative.

2. “Chalega,” literally translating to “it’ll do.” There is a lot of compromise on personal space and time. Whether it’s on a public bus (asked to slide over), at home on a couch (asked to squeeze in), or eating a meal (asked to share the food in a family-style setting), Indians are adjusting all day long for the benefit of others.

3. The community as a whole values how you treat your family and whether you play the traditional role expected of you as a sibling, child, parent, or grandparent.

This has many benefits. By habitually tuning into the needs of others, there is an invisible fabric of kinship woven into households that’s missing from many other cultures, in particular North America. There is also a higher patience threshold — adjusting means not everything needs to be said, not all feelings need to be acknowledged (in fact some are just ignored or brushed away), most desires and preferences are not met, and so on.

There are also obvious downsides. You don’t know yourself as well. Not getting a chance to do so often means you’re running on autopilot based on what others are doing, saying, and thinking around you. This stifles creativity and risk-taking, and creates a mass-follower mentality. It also makes Indians terrible at saying no and confronting people in sticky situations.

Are there cultures with a good balance of the two?